I Don't Know What I'd Do Without You.

When people say, “I don’t know what I’d do without you” (I am one of those people) it really changes things when you actually have to live without that person. A year ago tomorrow, I lost my Avo Velma. She was my sunshine, she brightened up a room just by being in it, her smile was infectious, she had such a warmth about her and the Portuguese and English barrier didn't exist because we spoke the same language, the language of love. She had a hug and a touch about her that just made you feel the love she gave. She was who I want to be when I grow up, still happy, laughing and loving God and her family even when things are getting rough with health or just life in general. It’s been one year and I am barely coming to terms with the fact that she’s not physically here with me anymore. I just wish that I could walk into TNRC to her smiling face and just be with her. I don’t feel whole without her. A piece of me left when she left the world. I know she is no longer suffering and I know that she would want me to be the happy Kody she knew and loved and I know that she is still with me even though I can’t see her. Even though I know all these things and I have all the faith and belief that I can have that she is up in Heaven with my loved ones who have gone before her and she gets to spend her time with them and Jesus and that it must be so glorious, it still doesn't heal me. I don’t think it ever will. I don’t think I can ever feel whole and complete without her. I do think that I can be a better version of who I have been being. I feel like I just got by this last year, I wasn't overly depressed or anything, I just wasn't fully happy. I wasn't feeling like I used to feel, I was feeling how I thought I needed to feel and felt like my social interactions with people weren't as special as they should have been being and I wasn't inspired. She’s the first person who has ever rocked my core and turned my world upside down when she left this world. She was my special Velma, and was special to everyone that knew her. I love her so much and miss her terribly. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I can’t be with her anymore and just grab her hand and sit and watch TV. Simple things, the little things, I can’t even do with her. I've spent the year searching for what has been missing all year, without realizing it until recently that the thing that I had been searching for was her. Even though I knew that I missed her I didn't realize how much it was affecting me. Death is a part of life, everyone deals with death differently and we can never replace the people who we once had with us on Earth with someone else, but we can learn to live with it. We can learn to let ourselves be happy, truly happy again, because that is what we all would want for our loved ones when we go. I’m going to learn how to adjust to a life without Velma, a life that would make her proud and smile. It has taken me a year to come to terms with the fact that she isn’t coming back; I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do without her, but I’m going to try to figure it out. She’s one of the best blessings of my life and I’m thankful for all the time I did get with her and I know that I will see her again someday, until then…I will know that I’m never alone.